That title was so much funnier in my mind, but guess what … it’s my blog and I’m publishing it anyway. So, suck it!
So Nintendo recently announced that they are releasing a kind of Switch Pro only it’s not actually a Switch Pro because the only thing they improved was the screen which is now OLED and 7 microns larger, and gave it a larger kickstand instead of say addressing problems with the joystick drift, or giving it a working d-pad, or extending its pitiful battery life so it functions as an actual portable, or making it smaller so it functions as an actual portable, or making it sturdier so that it functions as an actual portable, or improving its hardware so it functions as an actual home console. But ya know, they rounded the edges on the dock and were the only company to bring games to E3 this year so YOU’RE WELCOME GAMERS!
Now that whole preceding paragraph probably makes it sound like I am exceedingly salty, and resentful towards Nintendo and the Switch for always doing the bare minimum and somehow always get pride of place in news and social media despite being INTENSELY DERIVATIVE and not even as well done as the work that has come before. But actually I’m not. Not even when it brings up repressed memories of how Joe got an A and I got a C on a joint project even though I did all the work which he just sat there because he was more “confident” in his presentation. The bitch!
I’m not salty because this is not animal farm. When the gamers outside look from switch to vita, and from vita to switch, and from switch to vita again; it is not impossible to say which is which. As I have mentioned before, the switch is not our enemy. Nintendo is not our enemy. Sony is the vita’s enemy. We shouldn’t be mad that Nintendo is doing the least stealthy job ever of sneaking a look at Sony’s answers, we should be mad at Sony for finishing their test then getting up on the desk and coiling one out of their paper, then calling the examiner a cunt before bouncing.
Is it annoying that the announcement of a OLED Switch has increased sales of OLED Vitas and games? Yes. Is it frustrating that Nintendo will likely make millions off an idea that Sony had and implemented successfully 10 years ago? Yes. Are twitter and gaming websites currently unreadable as people are suddenly collectively squeeing over how good the new Switch and old vita are despite the fact that it is exactly what we have been saying for the last 10 years and the fuckers STILL didn’t buy one and now the vita is extinct despite being the best portable ever created and … wait what was I on about again. I think I need another calming meme.
Ah yes, the point I was making was that these 2 consoles exist independently. While the Switch hype may be a tad annoying the vita in all its glory still exists. So hold your vitas close tonight. You never know which day will be their last.
Vita Paradisa 